Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
