I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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