Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
