I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
