This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
