Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
