My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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