I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
