My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
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How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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