i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
