she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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