Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
