Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
