I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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