drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
