Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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