I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
