Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
