The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
