You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
