i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
