Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Randomize
