My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
