So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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