My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
