I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
