all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
