How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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