Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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