Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
