no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
