it's too hot outside to masturbate.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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