That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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