so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My penis needs a shock collar
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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