I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
