onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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