Moan for me like Helen Keller
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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