oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
