Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
