Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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