The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
