well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
