I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
