I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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