Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
