omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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