guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
