Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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