saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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