my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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