I am in a vortex of obligation.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
