I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
