I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
