i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
