My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
