I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
