Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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