During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
