Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
