i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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