i need an iv and a liver transplant
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
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We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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