I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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