i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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