I'm eating all of the evidence.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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