she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
