dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
