What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
